Yesterday I had a hard day with many emotions running through my system. To top it off, later in the day I found myself meeting my old friend Scarcity again. I wrote about it in a group I belong to, and got so much wise support, and concrete support and Tough Love support.
By the time I was getting ready for bed I had it All Worked Out.
Then my good friend calls. The friend that has been sick all week, who has a condition that causes her pain constantly, who is going through some tough challenges. We talk. Support each other like we do, and laugh.
At one point I tell her how I really dislike blanket statements of negative beliefs. The answer to why I sabotage myself being “I don’t feel I deserve it.” That, for me, is an umbrella statement. I like to look for the deeper meaning, the origin of it. If I don’t deserve it, why not? When did I learn that? How deep can I go with this? I gave her an example. During one of my healing regressions to my prenatal experience, I remembered that I had a twin brother originally. He died in utero and this fact had been very influential in my life, running always subconsciously. Furthermore, in the months of healing and searching for more information about this event, I learned that he died because there was not enough nutrition in our mother’s womb to support two babies. Actually, there was barely enough for one, and I got what there was. I lived, he didn’t. My core belief, what has been underlying my perceptions and reactions, my relationships and how I see the world is the double bind of: I take too much. There is not enough.
I see it nearly everywhere: In money issues, in relational issues, in my food issues. Where I struggle, it always comes back to that core belief. To make people stay then, I have to give more than I have. I have to give what nurtures me or they will die, and I will be alone. If I am alone, its my fault.
It’s my fear of being alone…the belief that the reason I am alone is because I killed him. I made it happen. So being alone comes with guilt. Doing for others is what keeps me safe, and worthy, and keeps me from guilt.
I don’t want to take too much. I don’t want to make it hard for anyone else to live, or be, or to love….but being with someone else means I will not get enough.
I take too much, but there’s not enough.
As a doula in this small valley it comes into play again. There’s not enough for me. Not enough clients, not enough money, not enough desire. Add to that mix other doulas and then I have to shrink back or I will take too much, or I have to fight for what is mine so I can survive. Being reminded that none of those things are true, that actually, there is enough. For all of us. There is abundance, and cooperation, and desire. That I can get what I need, and give generously.
This is what I mean by finding the deeper more meaningful beliefs that keep me from getting what I want. This is what I can work with, again, on a new level. I think I am ready.
This time, when I am looking at this belief that runs my experiences, I am facing it from a place of being alone. I am not in the safe, familiar of a relationship this time. I am naked, alone, and I am challenging this mistaken belief with compassion, and grace, determination and strength.